Well, I’ll tell you one true thing. Nights are definitely the hardest. I’ll keep my composure all day long and then as soon as night falls, I’m a mess.
John’s dean and English teacher both came over to the house this afternoon to express their condolences. I was so excited to finally meet John’s English teacher because I knew that John actually TEXT MESSAGED him all the time when he had questions on the homework! I can’t imagine actually texting my professor, so I knew this guy had to be awesome…. and he was. We told stories and talked literature…it was wonderful. We all nibbled on some chips with salsa (I had one cheese cube as well) while we reminisced
And then Mikey arrived
He’s amazing. SO tiny….I can just picture John holding him in his arms and loving him so much. He never would admit that he loved cats because it wasn’t “manly” enough, but he had a soft spot for any little creature and so many times I would catch John just sitting and brushing Dexter over and over.
Mikey and Mikan sniffed each other out and are starting to become a little more comfortable. Mikan is obviously used to being the prince of the house so its going to be a little adjustment to have the new kid around. When we set them down together, Mikan just licked Mikey all over and they just sat and stared at each other. I can’t believe how tiny this little kitty is! You all would love him.
Dinner was obviously leftovers. I made a plate of Spanish yellow rice with chicken topped with black beans, raw onions and hot sauce. A sweet neighbor brought over a sushi roll and I had two pieces of that as well:
After dinner things sort of fell apart again. My grief is like the ocean and uncontrollable at times it seems. I go through stages of sadness, fear and rage and tonight was definitely rage. I was just so angry and it almost scared me because I never get angry like that. Afterwards I just sat in the corner of my brother’s room, shaking, until my dad came up and held me.
After I regained my composure I went to Berryism for some organic chocolate froyo Sometimes when nothing else will do, frozen yogurt heals you
I don’t want to depress anyone here though so with that, I’m going to bed! Tomorrow is the senior’s last day of classes and all the boys are picking up John’s car and taking it to school to decorate. Tomorrow is also TATTOO DAY! My mom, dad and I are all getting tattoos in John’s honor and I know you all don’t know my family, but my parents are pretty much the last people in the entire universe that I would EVER think would get a tattoo. If you could only have seen the look on my mother’s face when I showed up home from college on break with a flower tattooed on my foot. I thought she would die. And now she is getting one! Crazy.
I am getting up and swimming laps in the morning. Going forward is the only option now. I’m so sorry if I haven’t personally responded to all of your sweet, sweet emails. I have read them all….probably each about 50 times. My inbox is full and every time I read your words I feel a little stronger. Thank you!
See you in the morning, friends!