Well, I’d be lying if I told you things were good today….but I think they were better.
Its so strange…..some moments things will feel normal and then it’ll flash through my mind, “john is dead!” and I’ll just break down all over again. I tried to get some normalcy back to my life though today because I knew it would be another long one with more family coming in town from all over the globe. My uncle flew in from Scotland, my aunt on the red eye from LA and tomorrow all my cousins come.
I guess the good news is that even though I thought it wasn’t possible, I’ve actually been sleeping. Eight or nine hours a night. I am returning to work a week from today so I don’t have to worry about crazy hours or any of that….I can just sleep. So, this morning I woke up at 7:45 and decided to go to the gym. I ate this fruit leather before I went:
And then I just zoned out completely on the elliptical for 30 minutes. No music, nothing. Just zoned out. It felt good to sweat and get my heart rate up and I was glad I went. Afterwards I came home and made breakfast—-
Today was the first time I’ve ever tried PB2. I was very excited to receive some samples from the kind folks at Bell Plantation and I tested it out for the first time this morning. I mixed the two tbsp sample of PB2 with a little water and topped my oatmeal with it, along with raw almond butter.
For the oats, I used 1/2 cup mixed with 1 cup water, half a banana and 1/4 cup egg whites. I really liked the PB2 because it had such an intense peanut buttery taste….it was a little messy though (or that may have just been me). I can’t wait to try the chocolate PB2 tomorrow. I feel like this stuff would be awesome mixed straight in with greek yogurt.
The rest of the morning was spent at the church….the ceremony on Wednesday is going to be really nice and I wish you all could be there with me. You will be in spirit, I promise. We are having a reception at our house to follow with friends and family and its going to be catered by Wrights, and we are expecting at least a couple hundred people. I didn’t photograph my lunch because I couldn’t find my camera but it was a leftover turkey deli sub and some raw veggies and hummus. One thing I’ve learned for sure over the past few days is this: NOTHING ruins Jenna’s appetite!!! I’ve been eating like mad, and the good stuff….chocolate chip cookies galore! The way I see it, when your brother dies you get a “I can eat anything I want for free card”. Life is just too short not to eat that cookie!
Snack was yogurt and puffins:
And then Ryan and I went to see Mikey. I mentioned Mikey the kitten before….John was going to do his senior internship at a Vet starting next week and was SO excited about it. He came home from his interview telling us that a tiny, tiny kitten was brought in and didn’t have a home so he kindly adopted it! Now my mom and I were sort of stunned when he told us this but it was just so John. He didn’t want anything or anyone to ever not have a home or not be loved. He loved that little cat so much and was so excited to bring it home next week when his internship started. Well, my parents officially adopted Mikey and we are getting him on Thursday. I started crying when I saw him today because he’s just so John. He has John’s spirit.
Dexter and Mikan are, of course, excited to be big brothers and when I held this tiny little kitten (he’s only 8 weeks old), I felt John there. I talked to John last night and told him that we are getting Mikey for him and I know he smiled down at me. This was John’s kitten and every time I ever hold him I will always think of my brother.
When we got back from the vet’s, there were cars parked all down the street. Guys, kids were POURING into our house. There must have been about 35 of them…..they came straight from school and just held my mom and I close. It touched me so much—-all of John’s friends today wore shirt and ties to school for John. They came to our house all dressed up and so handsome, as only 19 year old boys can be…trying to be strong for my mom but you could see the glimmer of tears in their eyes. The kids stayed for about an hour and a half and we went through stages of crying together, laughing together and being silent. And I found out that my little brother had a girlfriend for 5 months!!!!! Her name was Jessica and she was a complete doll. She came today and just held me close, telling me what a gentleman my little brother was and all he did for her. John kept her such a secret…I can’t believe I never knew! Now that I think back, he DID smell nicer during that time of his life! Jessica is going to speak at the Memorial and I know that we will stay in touch for the rest of our lives. John had good taste 🙂
Dinner was brought over by another friend…….Cuban food to feed a crowd. Here’s my plate of chicken with rice topped with black beans, onions and hot sauce (told ya I didn’t lose my appetite!)
There was also a glass or two of red wine and half of an amazingly thick and rich oatmeal raisin cookie from the health food store that someone brought over:
John’s history teacher stopped by after dinner and ended up staying for a good two hours…just telling us all his good memories of John. Now that deserves a teacher of the year award. Through this horrific experience I have never been so incredibly thankful. Never. And mark my words, I will NEVER let this rest. I’m going to do something…I don’t know what yet but I’m going to do it. I’m going to take a stand against guns, do something with gun control, anything, SOMETHING. I don’t want this to ever happen to another innocent kid again. What 22 year old kid just has a loaded 45 on the coffee table I ask you?! I’ve never felt so passionate about anything in my life and now I know what I’m meant to do. I couldn’t save John’s life but I will save others.
Whew! Had to get that off my chest. I’m also going to be getting another tattoo to honor John. John was DYING to get a tattoo and we told him he had to wait until he was 19. Well, he just turned 19 two weeks ago and he had the whole thing planned out. He wanted a cross with the words “give me strength” across it on his back. My dad is now getting the exact tattoo John wanted, in the spot John wanted it, but I’m going to get something as well.
I’m going to bed now. Going to try to run in the morning and more family is flying in tomorrow. Again, I thank each one of you from the bottom most core part of my spirit for your condolences. Your emails, your comments and your calls and messages have brought me to tears. You will be the thing that gets me through the upcoming days when reality sets in and I just don’t think I have the strength to move or even breathe. You all are it. And I love you for it.