This is a very true life post. I wasn’t sure even if I wanted to blog this—I was just going to journal it—but somewhere out there there must be someone who has gone through the same thing I’m going through and can assure me that I am not crazy.
I’m a writer and writers write.
So let’s talk about grief, shall we? Ever dealt with it? I’m sitting on my kitchen floor write now as I write this, my heart full and my eyes red. One year later and the pain still runs deep. You know, I’ve been fine though. Really. Most days are perfectly fine and I can without a doubt that I am normally a very happy person. I love life, people, traveling, adventures, sunshine, cooking, reading and the ocean. I’m probably one of the most passionate people you will ever meet and when I make up my mind about something, that’s it. I’m as stubborn as they come.
This evening I was taking a walk after dinner and suddenly I just started crying. Hard. I don’t cry often and rarely in front of others but for some reason tonight I just couldn’t stop. My nose was running and big tear drops clouded my glasses. Thank goodness I was wearing a hat. I was totally that girl…you know who I’m talking about.
Anyways, I must have looked like a total crazy person, walking down Fitch street sobbing my eyes out. When I got back to my house, I lay down on the floor (no furniture, remember?) and put one hand on my belly and the other on my heart, taking slow deep rhythmic breathes to slow my heart rate down. Finally, once I had gotten it all out I just lay there staring up at the ceiling feeling as far as 3,000 miles can possibly be and decided there was only one thing to do at a time such as this.
So I baked five dozen sugar cookies.
In the silence, in my slippers, in my ripped jeans and old school t-shirt, I baked and baked and baked. I really didn’t even feel like eating a cookie but it didn’t matter. The act of combining sugar, flour, eggs and vanilla brought me right home again. I used my favorite recipe ever (obviously from here) and they came out perfectly. They always do. That’s why I love these cookies so much. It’s like when nothing seems to be going right and everything is up in the air, you know that if you combine these ingredients and follow the fine print, you will have your cookies.
They will turn out.
And I think that’s why I bake.
So yeah, anyone wanna come over for cookies? I have a few to spare.