Saved by Cookies

Melissa

Jenna, sending you lots of loving thoughts.
Your blog has made me feel better so many times I will I could do the same for you. Thinking of you. xxx

Deva (Voracious Vorilee)

:hugs: My thoughts and prayers are with you, Jenna.

s

okay, so i read your post and i’m glad you got some baking therapy. but (and now to launch into my question) i was wondering if the cookies are made out of just flour, sugar, eggs, and vanilla? like, no butter or oil whatsoever? just a curious, somewhat annoying question. haha.

i haven’t dealt with the kind of grief you have, i don’t think, but i have had times where i will just start crying randomly in public. usually i eat carbs, or play videogames, or something, to make me feel better. haha, if my baking turned out, perhaps i would make cookies, too. 🙂

Angharad

I think that is the sneaky thing about grief. You think maybe it’s gone away for a while, done it’s work. And then it smacks you in the face with no warning and reminds you that, yeah, it’s still here. Lurking. It’s a process and a long one at that. Keep loving all those things you love, keep baking cookies, keep writing it all down, and you’ll be fine.

Ashley

My heart is with you…all the way from Canada : )

Ps. I love your blog. Lately I have been finding it so funny and entertaining. You are a really good writer. I hope to buy your book when it is published.

Meg

Your posts always make my day brighter. Praying for you. Enjoy those cookies in good company 🙂

lk

Hang in there, Jenna. I’m not going to lie and tell you that it gets any easier. I wish it did. I still have random sobbing fits about my father, who died when I was like 2. I barely remember him, so I can only imagine what it must be like to lose someone that you actually had a real relationship with. But you know, most days its fine. And when it’s not… yes, there is the baking thing.

M

After a year plus of reading your blog, I have to say that I have been continually impressed by you. You’re a rare combination: you dream and then you actually do stuff, you go-get (maybe not a verb but I’m making it one), you think and reflect without being overly self-critical. You’re self-aware but also impulsive. You wholeheartedly embrace your strengths but also your imperfections. Your brother would be proud, and I’m sure that everyone else in your “real” life already is, unspeakably so.

Corny, but I hope you know that despite some of the crazypeople that exist in blogland (most of you guys seem awesome but I think there is a small category of people drawn to foodblogs who just have sticks up their asses and no sense of humor… I said a SMALL proportion of people so if you think I’m talking about you, just assume I’m not and we’ll all be friends)

And lastly, can I just say also: dude, you’re writing a book. that’s effing amazing. don’t forget it.

Nora@LiveLifeEatRight

I have had those moments before and I think it is amazing that you are so strong and recognize your feelings.

I went to a yoga class a while back and the instructor was talking about her mother who just past. She was speaking about how much pain she was going through and the consuming thoughts that “removed” her. She was simply going through the movements of life without actually being there. She noted her habits that she tends to have …wine and chocolate…when her world doesn’t seem right. And she realized this as she was on her 8th chocolate chip cookie that night. She said that she noticed these habits and that is what matters. We are all human and have our own reactions.

At the end of class she played a song recorded for her by a family friend to “Hallelujah” and I completely broke down. I had not recently lost a loved one but I was feeling lost and alone. My world just felt upside down and her words and wisdom were exactly what I needed to hear that day. So here I was a lone girl in pigeon pose….sobbing.

Jenna, you are so amazing.

Jil

Sending you so much love, Jenna. Baking can be just so therapeutic…sometimes it all just has to come out…in tears, in words, in paragraphs…and as cookies.

sherri

oh jenna, i’ve been in your shoes but baking cookies is a good sign… i hope you eat a few, too! i think it’s time for a glass of vino and a hug from the boy. xo

TorontoGirloutWest

One year later and I continue to be amazed by what a strong person you are Jenna!

Think of all you’ve done in this year! How far you’ve pushed yourself! You’re going to be published. You’ve moved to the Other Coast. You have a job you’re passionate about. The World is your oyster. And then just think how happy your own personal angel is up in Heaven.

Lots of hugs Jenna! And Lots of Bloggie Love! 🙂

lz

Jenna,
Best wishes to you. You are extremely, extremely courageous – it takes a lot of commitment to be so down-to-earth and REAL during these most difficult times. You have a lot of raw honesty with which you approach everything you do; you give off so much passion. That passion, that commitment, that real, raw honesty – it will all help you attract what is best for you. You are doing the very best that you can. And really, that’s all we can do. Beyond that, we just have to trust. Trust ourselves. Sending you positive vibes…

Lisa

From a longtime reader. Thinking of you and praying for you, Jenna. Your brother is looking down on you and smiling 🙂

Ilene

You are an incredibly inspirational person, and I know that you will stay strong and live your life to its fullest for your brother and for yourself. I’m glad the baking helped, but just know that you’re not alone. Wishing you the best.

Melanie

Wishing you all the best, all I can say is your blog is awesome, you’re the girl everyone wants to be friends with because she is real, because she drinks wine, bakes cookies and scares strangers with crying fits just like all of us have done at some point, just don’t forget sunshine is coming!

Mary (Food Fit & Fun)

Jenna, you are an amazing girl! I’m glad you blogged about your true thoughts. It’s funny because although I only know you through reading your blog, you are someone whom I look up to. You’re so lucky to have so much support from all of your readers. Wish we could join you for some of those cookies….they look like they were made with a lot of love!

steph-exercise physiologist and artist!

Oh Jenna. My heart goes out to you. Please know that you are not alone and right now my heartaches and tears are filling my eyes b/c i really and truly know how you are feeling right now.
The big difference between you and someone else who grieves (like me, really I am talking about me) is that you have some how pushed through a great tragedy in your life w/out letting it break you. Break your spirit. take everything that you love away. Take all your happiness away.
I have been and continue to be so impressed by the way you were able to do that over this past year. I actually thought exactly that (I am so impressed and in awe of this girl) b/c of the way you handled an incredibly hard situation.
I was unable to do that and gave up years (10’s of years!) away to a grief that I let take over my life and my soul. I didn’t really start to come out of that until about 4 years ago and now I can say whole heartedly that I am a different girl today.
YOU ARE SO STRONG JENNA. I really mean that with all of my heart. you will never be THAT girl. You are so much more than that.
sending so much love and light to you right now.

On a lighter note. I would love to have a cookie with you 🙂 if only you and your cookies weren’t 3,000 miles away.

Shawna

I just said a prayer for you and your family, Jenna.
Although I couldn’t pretend to understand what it feels like to lose a sibling, I want you to know that there are people who read your blog who care about YOU and not about what kind of food you ate one day or the font that you type in.
You will be back to your fun-loving self, not because of the cookies, (although they help A LOT) but because you’re a strong, courageous woman and you have so many people that love you.

Lisa (bakebikeblog)

Just know that there are so many of us thinking of you, and thanking you for sharing this beautiful and honest post.

Allie (Live Laugh Eat)

Baking is my form of therapy. Whenever I warm up the oven and get out my mixing bowl, my mind starts to calm down and everything I’m stressing out about falls to the wayside. Thank you for such an honest post. It will be hard forever…because your love for him is forever. He is watching over you though m’dear.

Liz

Psalm 34:18
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

I know this is so hard Jenna. Praying for you. God always has you with him. I know you will be ok. 🙂

laurie

i am so, so sorry about your brother. i have a 1 1/2 year old son and I actually started to read your blog when I was up late breastfeeding. The news about his death was overwhelming–even though I don’t know your mom, I have thought about her often because she has lived through every mother’s greatest fear. your family seems to have an amazing way of leaning on each other. i hope my child has the kind of relationship with me that you have with your mom! i am so glad writing is therapy for you because your blog reaches and helps so many people.

Em

Nothing wrong with letting it all out and baking, nothing at all. And sharing with your blog readers, as I say just keep on sharing how you feel!
Em (a blog lurker from Oz).

Camille

Jenna, your strength is amazing.
If I were about 700 miles north right now I would give you such a giant hug.
Life is full of trials but the fact that you have continued in your life and happiness is a true testament to your strength.

Natalie

The strength that you possess is simply amazing. I do hope you know how inspiring you are to others, and how truly strong you are. Wishing you peace Jenna.

Juniper

let it out. let it out. let it out. It’s the most loving thing you can do for yourself… be kind to yourself during this time and listen to what You need.
also- yes, i’d like a cookie. yum.

*hugs*

Suzanne de Cornelia

I completely understand. Have never been a crybaby. Mostly, very happy, optimistic, determined, etc. My brother’s death undid everything. Bouts of uncontrollable sobbing–5 steps forward, one back. It’s not depression–it’s grief. And grief is not lineal, and I don’t believe in cases this senseless and tragic it ever goes away, it’s managed. Katherine Hepburn spoke about the huge impact her brother’s accidental hanging death at age 9 had on her into her 90s. My brain since brother died is divided into two compartments; 7/8ths is my brother, 1/8th is everything else. I expect as years go by that will even out.

Cookie-making and other activities definitely push me into the other 1/8th compartment so I forget for awhile. Audrey Hepburn’s longtime love Robbie Wolders said when she died that the depth of grief is the inverse of the amount of your love. There are few you love more than a brother who is practically a twin. The whole thing is inexplicable as haven’t experienced it before–and when the expectation was he’ll be there into your 80s and beyond. And the shocking violence of my brother’s death was extremely hard to take. He was such a graceful, witty, clean-cut, completely decent person….the circumstances are still unbelievable. And often the ‘if only’ thoughts creep in//

Am trying to find a new frame to honor who he was and do good in his name that he would appreciate and which can redeem his death, and also give me an outlet to dissipate what is otherwise expressed randomly–or sometimes buried which would only lead to health impacts.

A year, with changes, is too soon to feel reconciled-I think. It seems that when the book is published that will be a new ground that is very focusing.

Cookies sound great–always fun to make cookies. 🙂

Kari Kundert

My name is Kari and I am stationed in South Korea with the Air Force, I know what it is like to be far from your family, especially when you have lost a loved one. Your blog brings me so much joy because I grew up around the area you live and to see pictures of Cali and wonderful food makes me feel just a little closer to home.
I am not the praying kind, but please know that someone far away is thinking about you and is sending many hugs your way.

::hug::

Hillary [Nutrition Nut on the Run]

Aw, Jenna…sometimes you just need to let the tears flow, and flow…and flow. I’m glad that the sweetness of baking brought you some serenity tonight. Take care, love!

alicia

I’ve been reading your blog for a while, and I’m a mother, so I could read between the lines when you did your last few posts. This is what just really pissed me off about some of the comments that you were receiving. I think anyone that “knows you” through blogging knew. We are all thinking of you, and your family, at this time. Those cookies look delicious. We would all probably show up if we could.

Suzanne de Cornelia

PS–I also noticed with my brother’s death….couldn’t talk about it with my Dad. He said it was just too painful, and after a week refused to discuss it, in fact it hassened his death. And pretty much avoid talking about it, or in careful terms with my mother–her health deteriorated as a result of brother’s death–so avoid the subject. Went to a grief group–but the people there were talking about loved ones who died 20 years ago as if just happened–I don’t want to be doing that. So can be isolating. I have a friend who just lets me talk and that releases it and then we are on to something else. I wrote a piece about what his death taught me…that helped. A year is soon–you’ve been amazing–don’t expect to much of yourself–as capable as you are–this is just too big.

Rachel

Jenna, you radiate beauty in every sense of the word.

You have inspired people in ways you can not even imagine. THANK YOU for sharing your insight, vulnerability, and humor with the world. I know that it’s made an impact in many lives, mine included.

My heart goes out to you.

Sincerely,
Another long time reader/non-commenter (since before you switched to pastry concentration in school) who has been deeply touched and inspired by your words

Shelley (Pink House)

We are something heartbreaking happen this year and most days I can go on about my business, but almost every time (twice a week) that I go to my yoga class, about 30 minutes in I start feeling like I’m going to cry, and then i do. We’ll be doing our moves in a partly dark room and I’ll have tears streaming down my cheeks. There’s something about that physical exertion that brings up the emotions I think. Yes, I know partly how you feel, sometimes I just like to cook and have it turn out right.

Mindy

I’ve been wanting to comment on the last few entries but haven’t found the time.. Now I feel is more than appropriate to leave some words for you..

The thing about blogs is you the blogger are putting yourself out there for everyone to see, read, and judge. Its a very vulnerable position to be in.. In my opinion we have no right to judge you because you make an uncharacteristic joke or change your writing style. People change. While I think we should be able to provide constructive criticism, its a fine line between being critical and being judgmental.

As for this special day, I can only imagine and my heart goes out to you. We all have things we do that calm us down.. So bake your heart out! And thank you for trusting us, your readers, enough to share your feelings with us. Know that you are never alone 🙂

K

The first time I posted a message on your blog I was moved by the news of your brother’s passing, and I just wanted to leave you this message to let you know that I understand where you are, and I, too, have been there.

And that you have my thoughts.

And that although it seems weird – I love hearing about your life, and the joy that you find in family, friends, cooking, travel – the same things through which I find joy. And I wish you all the best.

And that you are completely awesomesauce and it will all be ok. 🙂

Mastering Public Health

Anniversaries are always hard. It’s good to mark them, but hard to face them sometimes. I can imagine that laying on the floor and just “being” in synch with the rhythms of the world would be quite therapeutic. I’ve been reading your blog for years and am still so sorry you had to suffer through such a traumatic happening in your life. 🙁 Feel free to continue to share your memories and feelings about your brother here; there are warm vibes coming your way from all around.

Nicole @ Geek Turned Athlete

Jenna, obviously your body needed a release. Sometimes, it is just good to cry AND bake. 😉 I’m a crier, I have to admit. I grew up with a grandfather that would often antagonize me when I was crying and tell me it was good for me and that I should cry once a week whether I needed it or not. I would start laughing which would make him start laughing. I knew what he was doing, and it worked every time. When I got older, although I don’t cry that often, sometimes when all the stress builds up and you can’t breathe, crying helps. Combined with baking, you should be better in no time. 😉

jb

xoxo. my brother is my whole heart and i feel for you more deeply than i can really express. i can’t even imagine. i hope all the love we readers feel for you and your writing helps, even just a tiny bit. and, i have to say, that when real sorrow is involved, there is never “that girl.”

ForDGRedial aka Amy

I don’t normally comment, I always read but you get so many comments I figure you won’t ‘miss’ mine. But this time I thought I should comment, just incase you read it.

There is nothing I can type that will fix this. But I wanted you to know that 5yrs on from losing one of the most important people in my life, the pain is more tolerable and the wound less raw. I still get days where it hits me like I’ve just ran into a brick wall, I won’t lie to you. But you learn to life with it, the brick wall days become more widely spaced and most days life is good and I have him with me in my heart.

You did the right thing though in my opinionm, you didn’t fit it, just let it happen and give yourself the time and space to grieve. I am kinda envious of your lack of furniture – I should lie on the floor more. There is something so centring about it.

Amy x

Courtney (Pancakes & Postcards)

Praying for you. I cannot imagine what you are going through. Hoping that God can come and fill the empty holes in your heart. Wishing you all the best.

Bridget

I remember the first time that I ever laid eyes on your blog–it was the day after your brother had passed away. My heart went out to you and your family then, and it does now. Losing someone so important to you is one of the hardest things that you will ever face in your life. You’ve done your best, carried on, and made your brother the proudest brother that anyone could have. You are so strong, and conscious of it. But sometimes, it is just good to break down and cry, to cleanse the system. Best wishes for happiness in all the days to come, Jenna!

Alaina

The thing about grief is that…you should do whatever it is that makes you feel better. Just do it.

I’m glad that in your case it’s a productive thing, baking, as opposed to some other more negative way of releasing stress. Just let it out, just let it out, and remember that you are such a strong person! We are all thinking of you today.

Judy (cookbook maven)

We all deal with grief in our own ways.

I know it’s very different, but I can remember walking down the street crying after I had to put my first cat to sleep. I came home one day and just burst into tears, almost hyperventilating. I cried the night we buried her, because there was a thunderstorm and she would have been so scared alone out there in the dark — which is so silly because I knew she wasn’t really there, it was just her body, and I saw what happened to her body when she “left” it — it was just the physical shell.

And I don’t cry easily, either.

It’s good to let your griet out. It’s healthy. It’s normal. In the end, just remember that your brother still wants you to be happy.

Chelsea (Chelsea's Chew and Run Fun)

Jenna, your strength is really something. It makes me feel stronger by osmosis. My heart goes out to you during this unfortunate anniversary.

Staceyhttp://stacey-healthylife.blogspot.com/

Sometimes cookies are all you need to lift your spirits. Hang in there it will get better.

Alina

I lost someone about five years ago, and for the first year, even longer, it was totally normal for me to start crying in public. And while it’s not as frequent anymore, I still do it from time to time, although usually when I am by myself. I’ve decided there are no rules with grief. Thanks for posting this!

Sarah (Running to Slow Things Down)

A deep, hard cry is needed to get through times of grief! I’m glad you could find some comfort through cooking, and my heart, thoughts and prayers are going out to you right now.

Zenfreckle

Crying is a good thing! Let it out! Grief doesn’t ever go away. It just changes shape in our hearts. First year is hard, second is a little easier. It will never go away – and it shouldn’t- you love your brother, but it will change to a more bearable shape. It seems to me like you have found a good balance of taking time to sit with the grief and moving forward so it doesn’t swallow you up.

Reading suggestion: When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times by Pema Chodron. I read it when I had a difficult death come to my life.

Kristine

Jenna, Thank you for posting this. Some days are much harder than others, but that is always for a reason. Lots of love!

Hangry Pants

Hugs Jenna.

eatmovelove

You’ve got heart girl.
I cry like that regularly.
And I venture to guess it’s about more than just your Brother’s passing…you’ve been through alot – your away from family,…you don’t have furniture for Goodness sakes!! and yet people write saying that they are jealous and hold you to some high surreal life….
in the end, your just a 25 year old following your own path…I admire you – and yeah, I’d still trade spots with you 😉 in Cali with a bike and wine…but you have admirable strength girl. And was there ever any doubt?…cookies are the answer to all of life’s problems 😉

diana@mymarblerye

I’ve been that girl before..but it was because of something that seems so insignificant now in the grand scheme of life. Hold your head up high Jenna, you have FEELINGS, you have LOVE…don’t ever be ashamed of those things cause that’s what makes you who you are! I hope you feel better soon though 🙁 All you have are good memories so make the best out of them.

Erin (Travel, Eat, Repeat)

I can’t pretend to understand what you’re going through because I don’t but I can just send heartfelt good wishes and good vibes. Grief hits us at funny times and it’s all in how you react. Baking seems like a great outlet to me.

Jen, a priorfatgirl

I dread the one year August anniversary….

so glad to hear you just allowed yourself to let it all out…

Sarah

Your posts give us strength. So please, don’t stop baking.

Kate

Jenna:
I don’t know if you read all of the comments because you don’t seem to reply to many, but I wanted to let you know I reread through last years entries and cried. I cried when your brother died and I cried rereading them, I will be praying for you and your family. I can’t imagine the pain this must cause all of you.

runnerforever

Keep baking and healing, you are an inspiration to many.

Jennie {in Wonderland}

Sending you so much love, Jenna.

Rachel @ Shedding It

I think it’s amazing that you blogged this; you’re right — writers write. I love hearing the real you. While I’ve never experienced grief that deep, I most definitely have baked and run through a lot of pain. It’s just how we do…and then we go back to the business of being happy and loving life. Breaking down doesn’t make you unhappy; it just makes you real.

amethyst

I’d love to, Jenna and to give you a big hug (and a glass of wine) but I’m so far away… My thoughts are with you, though. You are amazing, btw A xx

Sarah

thanks for sharing even the hardest stories.

Sarah R

Yes, yes, yes. Exactly why I bake as well. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Kelly

I know what you mean about baking..something about how methodical it is and that you have to follow the recipe just makes you totally involved in the baking and able to zone everything else out.

Thanks for sharing this post with us. I’m sure it must have been hard but it’s nice to see the different sides of Jenna sometimes. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family!

Heather @ Side of Sneakers

This was a beautiful post Jenna- thanks for deciding to share it.
I think everybody has something that just soothes them, whether it’s baking, cooking, painting, writing- I’m glad you’ve found something that can comfort you during such a difficult time. You’re such a strong person- but remember, you don’t always have to be.

Rachel

Jenna, I want you to know that after I read your blog yesterday, I thought about you ALL DAY. (Not in the creepstalker way, but the I wish I could say something to make her feel better way.) I think you are the strongest person EVER. I don’t think I could make it through something like that. And I am totally with you on the crying while walking thing. I’ve done that a couple of times. It can feel slightly embarassing, but at the same time it makes you feel a little better.

Keep pushing through, and writing about it if you need too. We are all here for you!!!

xoxoxo

Andrea

Jenna,
Thank you for this post. I could totally relate, and my mom could too- in fact, the night her mother died she was up baking dozens and dozens of muffins at 3am. So no, you aren’t crazy at all! You are a brave and strong woman. I think the way you’ve handled the tragic cards you were dealt is very, very admirable. Best wishes,
Andrea.

Ashley

sometimes finding your comfort zone is the only way to truly let you relax. i’m glad you found something to calm you, and i’m so sorry this is such a hard time for you. you are going to pull through stronger than you even thought you were before.

Becky

Thank you for sharing this with everyone. I think people deal with grief in different ways, and it’s important for people to know that there are so many different ways that grief manifests itself. You’ve been through a lot in the past year and I think it is 100% normal to occasionally be overwhelmed by it all still. Hang in there – and allow your family and friends to be your support at this very difficult time.

Erin

Hi Jenna,
I’ve been reading your blog for awhile now, less then a year, but have followed along habitually since I started. I wanted to share something I wrote about grief about a month after my mom died nearly 3 years ago. Grief is tough and it comes in waves, but the goal is to move through it just as you have. Feeling it, connecting to yourself and then bringing yourself out of it again
Here is what I wrote: http://juniperandsage.typepad.com/smallthings/2007/07/grieving.html
Keep writing. That helps too.
good thoughts to you,
Erin

Jill

So sorry these are tough days. Sending all good prayers and vibes in your direction.

MMiller

I so want to fly to California and give you hugs! I’m glad you can feel your way through and do what makes you feel better! I used to cry each time I drove past the Exit on I-75 that I would take to go to my sister’s house…that took months…now I just think of the happier times when I went to see her! I don’t cry very often anymore, but I still think of her every day! And I talk to her and sometimes yell at her and usually ask for her help! The loss is always there, you just start to get better at dealing with it! Glad the baking helped! And as always, you are in my prayers! Thank you for sharing!

Andrea (TastebudApproved)

No, you are not going crazy. It’s been three years since my boyfriend died and I still have those moments. The one year anniverssary was especially difficult. Sometimes I would lay on the floor and sob and sob. I would feel too physically and emtionaly drained to get up or move at all, I just sobbed until I ran out of tears. Don’t be afraid to cry, or scream, or whatever you need to. Sometime you neeeeeeed to cry. You need to release your emotions. It does get better over time, I promise. Know that you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

maren

sending you hugs and prayers! wish i could come over to talk and share cookies with you

Jessica

Baking helps me relieve stress and so I completely understand just baking away(5 dozen cookies) In fact, last night I wanted to make Ain’t yo Mama’s Banana pudding (Paula Deen style= very FATTY). I made the entire thing, and didn’t eat a bite. I realized afterward that it was just a way for me to relax from the everyday stress of life(work, etc).. Luckily the boyfriend is a middle school teacher and so he had a LOT of banana pudding to take to the kids today! 🙂
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and emotions with us, your blog followers. I really enjoy reading your blog everyday… its something i look forward to. I hope you have comfort in knowing that your brother is protecting you, watching over you and smiling constantly watching the wonderful things you are doing in life.

Have a great day!

Megan

Ohh, Jenna. My heart just breaks for you. Sending you lots of well wishes and kind thoughts all the way from Canada. You are so brave to share this with the blog world and I hope you get some comfort from all of us sending you our virtual love. Glad you’re getting even a little bit of solace from baking – cookies are good for a lot of things, I guess 🙂 .

Jess.

Jenna~

I have been reading your blog for over 2 yrs now and I want to let you know i have enjoyed it more the past few weeks than ever… you are a great writer and i love hearing about your life, even more than hearing about your food. I lost my dad almost 8yrs ago right around this time and it is still really hard every single year. i still break down in tears about it, long exhausting crying and very cathartic sessions of tears. It doesn’t really ever get easier, you just learn to live with it. I too am a joyful person, if anything, losing my dad when he was 41 taught me to never take life for granted, to live everyday to the absolute fullest, to love your life, whatever your circumstances and to always always be grateful. Joy comes more naturally for me now than it did 8yrs ago but i am still blindsided by the loss, the sadness, the absolute emptiness my heart holds over the loss of my dad. I am crying as I write this. Thank you so much for sharing. It is good to know other go thru the same things. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

chrissy

Cooking = healing. It’s so true.
And grief will never be easier, but eventually it will be easier to bear.

Annie D.

You poor dear. I know just what you mean. SERIOUSLY. There are days, weeks, that I just cry and cry and cry. Then, just when I don’t think I have any more crying in me, I turn to my comforts. Painting helps. Journaling helps. Blogging helps. Yelling, screaming, kicking helps. Baking helps. Meditation helps. EFT helps. Being outside helps. Day by day, week by week, hour by hour… one second at a time. Bake away, my dear!

Jennie

Jenna,

I lost a baby in October 2003. He was too early and born still. I still grieve for him. He changed my life in an instant. I find that the days leading up to the anniversary of his birth (death) are the hardest for me. Once the day passes, I can breathe again. It’s okay for you to be sad. Don’t be afraid to show your grief. I think it’s helps to heal. And it’s okay be happy to and to feel joy. I think of my babe most when I see a beautiful sunset, clouds with the rays of the sun peaking through, or listening to the ocean. I have a necklace that I wear, it says “I hold your heart in mine”. That says it all.

Peace and love.
xo,
Jennie

ash

That was a great post!

My father died 2 1/2 years ago and I sometimes feel the same way- sometimes for no apparant reason! Do whatever heals you 🙂 and you’ll come out stronger!

Taylor

Grief is a paralyzing thing. It used to really bother me when people would say something like, “time heals all”. I didn’t want to heal because I thought that meant I would forget or stop feeling. But, it’s the truth and I offer it to you. I’m sure you know it and you’ve heard it, too. Embrace the tears and the pain because you can still feel it and it really is helping you cope. I’m so sorry for your loss and for what you’re feeling now. Looks like you have a pretty amazing fan base that’s in your corner!

Emily

My brother died 8 years ago and I still cry about it at random times. Especially when the anniversary comes around; I am sad the entire day and I just let myself wallow in it. I let myself cry and feel sad and wallo in my self-pity whenever I start to feel sad about losing him. I really let the emotions in and then I can let them pass. This really seems to help. It is so hard losing someone and I have to say it really never does get easier. I cry less now but I still feel the same amount of grief when I do think about him. I am truly sorry for your loss.

SueP

Jenna, Delurking to say how very sorry I am for your deep loss. Time helps, but as you mentioned, grief can grab you by the throat when you least expect it. My thoughts and (((hugs))) are with you and your family. Ps. 37:4

Allie

you are truly amazing. prayers and love.

Becky

I second the suggestion to read The Year of Magical Thinking. It is an incredibly powerful, raw description of grief, and so true.

Lauren

You are not crazy. I know this pain too, 3 years later. I’m sending positive energy your way.

Ali @ Food, Fitness, Fashion

Touching post. I am thinking of you, and sending hugs and prayers. I would love to come over for cookies.

C. Weber

I am so sorry for your loss! I lost my Father on July 4th, 2008 due to a gunshot wound. The first year was so hard. I felt like a zombie most of the time. I went to therapy and it helped alot. I still have days when I think about my Dad and I will just lose it. I feel better after a gut wrenching crying fit. It also helps when I get signs that he is ok. This morning my alarm went off and it was The Turtles “Happy Together” which was one of my Dad’s favorite songs to sing Karoke to. I feel like that was a little good morning from him. Though they are not here physically, I know they are spiritually. I hope you feel better soon!

Liz

Hi Jenna,
I have never lost anyone close to me, so I can’t begin to imagine how awful it must feel. I can assure you though that furniture is overrated! I live in a TINY studio with my husband and two dogs. We sleep on an air mattress and have no other furniture….I eat all my meals on the floor in front of a big window. And I truly like it that way! Nothing in life is permanent. Just accept where you are now and live each day to the best of your ability. You will join your brother eventually, we are all given a limited amount of time on earth before we move on.
I’ll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Beth G

My dad died completely suddenly in July. One Monday morning I thought I was getting up to shower and go to work and the next thing I know my mother is on the phone with my husband telling him that my dad never woke up that morning. I totally know what you mean about just needing to take a few hours and do something numbing. Something that helps you refocus.

Good luck with everything.

Teri [a foodie stays fit]

I totally get this. When I’m really really down, sometimes getting in the kitchen and baking lets me forget everything. keep your chin up, beautiful.

Elise

I do and don’t understand. I say I do, because next month will mark ten years since my father passed (he killed himself; I was sixteen). It’s not that much easier now than it was when it happened. I’ve found, though, that I experience the pain in different ways as years pass. I still experience moments of breathlessness when I think about him sometimes. A crystal clear memory of him pops into my head, and I remember that he was living and breathing, that he was a vital part of my life.

At the same time, though, I don’t understand, because our grief and our pain is so personal, so idiosyncratic, so complex and difficult to understand.

Know that it will be okay. You will be okay. Some moments and memories will be unbearable for the rest of your life, but you will continue to be strong and lovely, and to find your own way.

Erin

I’ve been reading your blog for a long time now but never comment (sorry that sounds creepy!) but wanted to add my thoughts to your question.

First I am so sorry you are going through this right now. It’s horrible and terrible to try to understand. I am thinking of you.

Eight years ago in March I lost my little brother (he was five I was 14) it was a very sudden illness. As I grieved and the years began to pass I think I’ve realized that you never ‘get over it’. You learn to live and to be happy (as the person you loved and lost would want you to be) but you don’t get over them. You carry them with you because you love them. It has gotten easier and I’ve found that as time passes more and more I can think of him and smile rather than cry. They cannot be replaced or removed from your heart, just treasured and loved.

I’m so sorry about your brother, anniversaries are difficult, I think in a certain way for siblings because our grief is not always as visible. I hope you have a better day.

Lauren @ Running Examiner

<3

Keeping you in my prayers.

Suzanne de Cornelia

Am so glad you posted this—reading all of the other comments helped me a lot as am sure they helped others too who are dealing with grief. And if I ever run into a beautiful blonde in wine country dressed in ‘biker lycra’ crying, laughing and eating cookies–I’ll be sure to say Hi! hahahaha

Maybe you should bake & sell EatLiveRun.Com cookies! You always read online how someone starter baking cookies and next thing you know they’re rich!

Rita

I didn’t read all of the comments, but I think you have found that you are definitely not alone in feeling the way you are feeling. I lost my sister coming up on 2 years now and like many other here, I find myself sobbing from time to time. Sometimes it’s just tears streaming and sometimes I can control it. Other times, I can’t. Grief is different for everyone. There are some days that I only think of her a few times, and then I realize this and feel incredibly guilty. Shouldn’t I miss her everyday? She would want me to live life.

You bake cookies to cope, I eat them. 🙂

Erin

Sending so many prayers, hugs, and thoughts your way. You are not alone in grief, although it always seems to feel it. Over twenty years later and I still, sometimes, get taken over by it… Unable to understand why, or how, this could happen. Thank you for sharing that beautiful post…

Kate

I have been reading your blog for months. I discovered it by accident and is really one of very few I read. Yours is truly my favorite because of the writing, but also because your passion for everything you do is so evident. It is truly inspiring.
I am going through a situation where I am experiencing grief as well, albeit very different. My husband of 5 months just moved out, said he never wanted to get married and didn’t want to try and remain married now. We had been together over 10 years. I found out that he had been cheating, that it started about a month before our wedding. I am now about 8 weeks into this whole mess, and most days, it feels like my whole world is crumbling down around me. Our families were extremely close, and there are no friends I have that are not also his friends. People ask, how are you managing… I don’t understand how you are making it through… Most times, my response to myself and to others is: What is the alternative? I have to manage if I want to survive. I don’t want to sit on the couch all day and not be able to live my life. I want to be the person that I thought I was 2 months ago. So I manage. I cry a lot still, but I am able to manage. I lay in bed at night, alone now, and think about whether I was proud of myself that day: did I keep the promises I made to people, would my family and friends be proud of me? I know that for months and maybe years I will mourn this loss. In some instances it feels like everything I thought I knew is no longer. To mourn and to grieve means that what you are missing was important to you. It doesn’t matter if it was a month ago or a year ago, or 10 years ago. Sometimes, that feeling finds us and we have to go and sob it out in the womens restroom at a clients office; or sometimes we have to sob while walking down Fitch Street. Maybe this post was as much for you as it was for me, but I will tell you this… We will make it and we will survive, because we have to, there is no alternative. And if we are going to survive, we might as well make our lives the best that they can be, so that we can go to bed at night knowing that.

redtayl

The year my sister was ending her life was an entire year of grief for us, her family. In the approximately 6 months preceding and after Linda’s death, I did more crying than in my entire life before and since, not only because of her cancer but because of other horrible things in my life – discovering my husband had been abusing our daughter, leaving the marriage, being completely broke and needing to feed four children. And crap like that. Besides crying, and somehow managing to get through each day, I wrote in a journal. A year later I was very glad I did that writing, because it turned out that the grief and pain I was going through at the time was so numbing that later I had no recollection of either the events or the feelings they triggered. Beginning on the anniversary of Linda’s death, I re-read my journal entries from those of the past 18 months, and while it was very painful to remember the details of each day, and very painful to feel again those same emotions welling up in me, I think it was also part of the healing for me.

chand

Hi Jenna, I don’t think I have ever commented and this is several days later than your post so you may not see this. I too lost a beloved brother, three years ago. I remember journaling almost the same thoughts. I think you are doing remarkable. Just yesterday I was reminding myself I will see him again someday and PO at him at the same time because he is gone. BTW…homemade chocolate pudding is my go to comfort when I get fed up with trying to be all sunshine and content about it!
Keep it up girl you are doing great!

Corinne

wish i could come over and share a few. instead sending you good vibes and my mantra in times like this: “in w. the good, out w. the bad..in w. the good, out w. the bad” -name the movie 🙂